Oh, Matt. Matt, Matt, Matt.

Matt Damon, what have you done?

I should begin by saying that “Rounders” is probably my favorite movie. My favorite SERIES of movies is probably the “Bourne” series. One of the best movies ever made is “The Departed” and in that movie your character is probably my favorite. I’ve always liked your characters because they’re smart, “quick”, intelligent enough to keep their (collective) mouth shut when the situation required it and bold enough to say the right thing when the time arrives.

Apparently that’s just a trait shared by your characters and not by the one who portrays them. Matt Damon, what have you done?

I suppose it’s fortunate that I just don’t have much time for trivial things, movies among them. I once was heavily into movies–in my sit-on-my-ass-and-do-nothng-to-better-myself days (those days when I would have made a GREAT Liberal). I even “reviewed” movies for a small magazine and newspaper. I had a lot of time on my hands then. Nowadays I have to be very choosy about the movies I see because they just take up too much time. One of the things I always do is look at who the director and actors are. I know that I can avoid certain films based on this information. I know, for instance, that anything in which Oliver Stone, Spike Lee, Sean Penn or George Clooney are involved will NOT be rented or otherwise paid for because, well, these people are friggin’ idiots and I won’t put perfectly good American money toward them. I then look for my favorite actors, like…like…like that Matt Damon fellow.

What have you done, Matt Damon?

Until recently I wasn’t aware that you’re brain-dead. Now that doesn’t disqualify you from my movie-watching…hell, if being brain-dead automatically placed Hollywood-types on my boycott list, I’d never watch another movie again. But when you spew absolutely moronic stuff such as you came out with today–hypocritical, bone-headed bologna of the sort only Oscar Meyer could be proud…well, now what the Hell am I going to watch this summer? Not Matt Damon’s new movie, that much is for sure.

What have you done, Matt Damon? Damn…I used to really like you. I used to think you were a pretty smart guy.

But then, I used to believe in the Tooth Fairy, too. No more quarters under my pillow; no more Matt Damon movies in my DVD player.

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