By now you’ve seen and/or heard Barack and his “lipstick on a pig” and “fish wrapped in newspaper” comment at a rally today.  I’m trying to find a good copy of the video and when I do I’ll make sure it goes on this page.  In the meantime, I just want to talk to Barack, one on one, just us.  Its you and me, Barry.  I’m here for you.  DON’T JUMP!

I’m going to give you a little tough-love here, to start.  It’s gonna be a little bit rough, but some things just have to be pointed out to you.

You do NOT, under ANY circumstances, use comparisons to “pig” and the smell of fish when talking about a woman who is absolutely single-handedly kicking your ass–and you dont’ COMPOUND IT by attaching an obvioius reference to her famous “lipstick” line to your silly comments.   You have personally just killed your own campaign.

Now your people are going to say there was no intent to defame.  Your supporters are going to rush out and claim that it’s a “common phrase” and you meant no disrespect by it.  That will fly about as far as a paper airplane made out of a telephone book.  Firstly it’s a bold-faced lie, and you know it (you meant every word of the “joke”, whether your supporters say otherwise or not) but frankly your intent doesn’t matter.  What matters is you crossed a line that simply cannot be crossed.  It’s a stupid, stupid, STUPID mistake.  It would be a stupid mistake if you were UP in the polls and holding the women to your cause–but it’s a critically stupid mistake when you’ve lost your edge and women are flocking to the other side.  What, WHAT, were you thinking?  YOU WANT AMERICA TO BELIEVE YOU HAVE GOOD JUDGEMENT???  Boy, you sure showed that today, huh?

It matters not.  Your Presidential hopes are finished now, and probably forever.  I honestly cannot see any possibility you will have of ever being elected President after this.  Now that’s a good thing, mind you–but I’m trying to support you here, so you don’t go do something ELSE stupid, like jumping off a bridge or something.  You’ve dashed your hopes and dreams in one short turn of a phrase, but it will be okay.  It will.  You just have to believe.  You have to get yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on.

Oh, speaking of MoveOn, do you suppose they’re regretting the millions of dollars they’ve wasted on you now?  Just wondering…

Anyway, I want you to survive this (I honestly do).  You may not believe this, and I can’t believe I’m about to say it, but America is going to need you soon.  There are going to be a lot of rifts in the populace as a result of this election, and some of them could turn even uglier than they are now.  You, if you truly care about America, will have to step in and help heal some of these wounds.  You’ll need to quell some outbursts, together with President McCain.  You’ll have to make joint calls for civility and sanity in a potentially perilous time.  I want you to be up to the task.

Just don’t do anything else stupid, huh?  Better, in fact, if you step off the stage altogether.  Sit this one out.  You’re done now anyway and, frankly, I think you can use some rest.